How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
