I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
