Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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