Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
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In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand