I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.