Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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