Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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