he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
