I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
