I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
