Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
