i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
i believe in u and ur pee
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
