on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
