I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
