In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize