i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
