Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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