Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
