We're facebook friends in real life
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
