Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
