I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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