My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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