I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
