Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You're breaking my sexual little heart
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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