I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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