I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm passing your future prison.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
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I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
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You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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