fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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