My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
