I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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