remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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