I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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