Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
