those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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