i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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