I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Randomize
