Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
