my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
