i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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