when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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