Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
