The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
