im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
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