Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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