And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
you inspire me to be a worse person
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
When are your genitals available?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way