You're my little dorito
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
