went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
