How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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