is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
