I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
