Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
