so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
