i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
