First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
