where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
