woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
