Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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