she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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