Your mouth is God's brothel.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
